Monday, January 30, 2017

HAKUNA MATATA

HUKUNA MATATA....
means no worries for the rest of your life.....
This child, my last born, my only daughter,
the one I call gypsy baby.....
So many memories recalled this weekend as we
sat in the beautiful Saenger Theater and watched 
the Broadway production of 
THE LION KING.
Let me give you a little background info.
on why this weekend was so special to me, to us, for us.
This child of mine, always lived and continues to live
"to the beat of her own drum"
and often reminds me,
"Not all those who wonder (wander) are lost"
She grew up with Disney Movies as most children do,
she loved them all, oh but when the Lion King came out,
she not only loved it, she LIVED it!
Her cousin, Tie, made the mistake (not) of 
buying her a real Lion King costume for her
5th birthday and she became CIMBA.
She played with every Lion King toy,
and, if I allowed it, this Lion suit was her outfit of choice.
She wore it when it was cold,
she wore it when it was 100 degree weather,
She wore it to daycare, she wore it to her 
brothers Jr. High school football games.
In her eyes it was fitting clothing since his
team was the Lions and she was, of course, a Lion.
She roared when he got on the field and he
begged us not to let her wear "that suit to my games"
Yet, one thing remains in this child,
you can't really tell her what to do,
and you picked your battles.
Wearing a lion suit was not a battle worth fighting for me.
....and if she didn't wear the suit, well she had the
clothes, and her hair always was like her own Mane...
I
There was just no getting away from her love of the Lion King.
She wore out two DVD movies of it and even 
when we thought she may be getting too old for 
Disney clothing, she disagreed if it had Lion King on it.
The costume began to fit her only in the torso
with her long arms and legs showing more
skin than man made fur.
Thank goodness, in 4th grade she found 
HARRY POTTER 
and her love for reading and Lion King sort of
took a back seat to the Potter series
(which of course, would warrant its own blog)
So, this year, when Christmas came along,
knowing it had been a hard time for the gypsy baby,
I decided the only gift I could give her would be to give
her two tickets to the Lion King.
I truly believed she would invite a friend,
I jokingly said, "If you can't find anyone to go with you..."
Imagine my surprise when after a few hard days between
her and I, she came to the cottage, with a ticket in hand,
with tears in her eyes, explaining all she had been feeling
positive and negative the last few days between us,
she handed me a ticket and said,
"There is no one else who would understand how much
this gift means to me nor anyone else I would want to
experience this with but you"
I, now crying as well, accepted the gift with a big hug
and we began to plan not just one night, 
but a NOLA sleepover!
Finally Saturday, the day was here,
I won't explain everything on our itinerary, how boring
would that be....
But I will share my emotions:
AS THE LIGHTS DIMMED IN THE 
OVERWHELMING BEAUTIFUL SAENGER THEATER,
WITH SO MUCH HISTORY IN IT, THAT IT ALONE
COULD SPARK EMOTION.
AS THE SINGING AND COSTUMES BEGAN 
TO REVEAL THEMSELVES, AS WE REALIZED WE
HAD THE SECOND ROW TO THE STAGE, RIGHT
NEAR THE BONGO DRUMS, WE COULD SEE THE
BAND DIRECTOR IN OUR VIEW AS THE ORCHESTRA
SAT IN ITS SUNKEN BAND SPOT, AS THE HUMAN
SIZED PUPPETS CAME DOWN THE CENTER AISLE,
ESPECIALLY THE LIFE SIZED ELEPHANT....
I WENT BACK....
I WENT BACK TO A TIME WHEN THIS WOMAN WHO 
NOW SAT BESIDE ME, NOW 27 YEARS OLD
WAS THAT CHILD I SPOKE OF BEFORE.
ALL THE MEMORIES CAME FLOODING BACK
I PUT MY ARM AROUND HER SHOULDERS, 
AROUND THIS WOMAN CHILD AND I TEARED UP.
SHE WAS SO EXCITED, THE DIMPLES THAT ARE
SO BEAUTIFULLY DEEP WERE IN FULL EXISTENCE.
SHE COULD BARELY STAY IN HER SEAT!
THE TALKATIVE PART OF HER, THAT SHE GOT FROM
ME BEGAN TO SPEAK. WE WHISPERED AND 
RECALLED ALL THE CHARACTERS AND HOW GREAT
THE PERFORMANCE WAS HAVING FOLLOWED 
THE MOVIE SO WELL. 
WE SETTLED INTO THE PLAY ENJOYING THE MOMENT
THEN THE SONG WAS SUNG BY THE GROWN SIMBA
TO HIS FATHER...
ENDLESS NIGHTS...
...SLEEPLESSNESS I DREAM OF THE
DAY WHEN YOU WERE BY MY SIDE, 
GUIDING MY PATH, YOU PROMISED YOU'D BE THERE
WHENEVER I CALED YOUR NAME...
I KNOW THIS NIGHT MUST END AND THAT
THES SUN WILL RISE, THAT THE CLOUDS 
WILL CLEAR,
THAT THE SUN WILL SHING AGAIN...
AND THERE, RIGHT IN THAT THEATER, I LOST MY
COMPOSURE. I CRIED... LIKE A BABY, I CRIED
FOR THE YEARS WHEN I WAS BOTH MY BOTH 
OF MY BABY'S LIFE LINES.
I CRIED KNOWING THAT LIFE HAS NOT BEEN
EASY FOR EACH OF THEM IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.
BUT THEY ARE STRONGER AND HAVE
PERSEVERED. I CRIED BECAUSE I GAVE THEM
THE BEST POSSIBLE CHILDHOOD I COULD.
I CRIED BECAUSE I AM SO DARN PROUD OF
BOTH OF THEM.
AND AS I CRIED, MY BABY GIRL, SHE TURNED TO ME
AND NOTICES THAT I HAVE LOST IT AND
IT IS NOT MY ARM AROUND HER AS IT HAS BEEN
FOR SO MANY YEARS, BUT IT IS HER ARM
THAAT REACHES AROUND MY SHOULDERS,
RUBS MY BACK AND THAT MOMENT,
NOT ONLY DO I REMEMBER SHE IS GROWN UP NOW,
THAT SHE IS BECOMING MORE LIKE ME IN MANY WAYS.
MOSTLY, I REALIZE THAT, LIKE I AM THERE FOR HER,
SHE WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.
THANK YOU, JESI,
THANK YOU FOR THE WEEKEND, I WILL TREASURE 
IF FOREVER, FOR MORE REASONS THAN YOU 
KNOW, I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU!
MOMMA

HAKUNA MATATA!








Friday, January 27, 2017

An old story that still is one of my favorites...

We all, at different times in our lives,
change our feelings about what we believe
when it comes to God, the Universe,
Life after this. 
There is one story I read way back in 1982,
being a new nurse. How I still wish I could find
this article. As a nurse, there is a magazine called
NURSING 2017 
the date changes with each year, the one I speak of
would have been
NURSING 1982 OR 83.
In the back of each issue there was always a one page
true story of an inspiring incident.
This one I am about to share, as close to what I can 
remember, changed my beliefs back then and
I still believe in Heaven now partly because of
this article.
I will write it as if I am the man who wrote it
so as not to confuse the concept, however keep in mind
it is written in my words, as I remember it,
as I have not been able to find this article again:
I am driving up the steep mountain top to get 
to the soccer game that most on the road are also
going to. There is snow and deep falls,
I find myself loosing control and next thing I 
remember I am floating about what is now stopped 
traffic on this curvy road. As I float above the cars
I can hear the thoughts and words of those
who now know they will be late for this soccer game
or whatever else this road was taking them to.
Each car seems upset, some are cussing, some are
aggravated, I can feel their thoughts and the vibe 
is negative. Then I am over this one car
and the people in there are praying,
I wonder why, and then I realize, they are praying for me,
I am the one holding up the traffic, I have
been in an accident. These people are not angry
they are praying for whoever is responsible for this
traffic. I am transported back to the accident.
The next thing I remember, I am in a hospital ICU, 
and I am told that I have been in a coma for days
and am lucky I am still here.
When I can finally breathe on my own,
I remember the "near death experience"
I tell my doctors, my family, all that will listen
to me that someone in a car was praying for me.
My family tells me not to get upset, that is probably 
was a dream, the doctors tell me it happens when
there is lack of oxygen to the brain, that they see it often
and yet, there is no proof they can find that this can be true.
So I challenge them, I tell my doctor, "Then prove it to me"
"I know the license plate number to the car that was praying
for me" I give the number to my family, I give the number to
the doctor. They follow it though because I am not strong 
enough to do this on my own and I have to know.
(Remember this is 1982, no internet, no laptops, no 
cell phones)
Days later my doctor comes to me in shock and nearly in
tears, he has news for me.
He traced the license plate I spoke of.
He questioned the driver of that car. 
Yes, they remember the day specifically and although
they did not know exactly who was in the accident
or how bad it was as they were too far away on the
road to get a glimpse of what happened,
Yet as a family, even though they knew they would 
probably not make the soccer game, they decided to pray.
He shared that they prayed because whoever was
in the accident needed prayers.
Yes, the license plate number I remembered were
the same people who, instead of being angry and negative,
chose to pray, 
From that day on, I have been a believer in a life after this one.
Wow! what a powerful proof of something after this!
Again, the story is his, the wording is mine.
A legitimate magazine, not a gossip one.
A magazine that nurses shared and continue to share
with others.
I may have been only 19 when I read this article it
has not only always stayed with me but I share it often 
with others. 
Lots of think about on this beautiful day!
 Myself on my Nursing graduation..
myself and my wonderful parents, circa 1982
How I miss them, yet know they wait for us!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT A SERVICE CALL WILL BRING....

The old Lady Tub in the Cottage was giving me trouble.
A lifetime warranty had me calling for an appointment.
Yesterday was that day.
Early yesterday am, drives up a cute young man,
small in stature, with an accent that told me, he may not
have started his life in the USA.
At first, I had decided I would not do my normal thing
of having to talk this poor guy to death 
and find all about his life. Was going to just let him do
his work. Yet, as usual, it did not happen this way.
He asked why I had a walk in tub, explained how
I was fortunate to get it, and why I love it.
Told him of my childhood cancer...
then he shared with me the most beautiful story of
finding Christ in the midst of Hell.
With Antoine's permission I share with you, here
a small part of his miracle of Life.
He was born in Cuba, hence, his accent and dark 
complexion. Antoine grew up believing in more
of a "witch doctor" mentality and found himself
at 18 in the United States being the leader of one
of the biggest, dangerous gangs.
He told of the day he was shot and did not go to the
hospital. Instead bought Peroxide and antibiotic cream
and healed himself. He was the leader of a drug ring,
Imprisoned three times. Something happened one day.
He stood in front of another man who meant to kill him.
He knocked him in the head and the blow alone should
have killed him, after that he has no recollection of 
what happened, but he firmly believes that God saved him.
As the knife came to pierce his heart, his hand went
up and protected that main organ and the knife hit
his forearm instead. The doctors said he should have died.
He left his first wife because that was about the time
his life began to change. A few days later she died
of an overdose. Finding himself once again in prison and then
a half way house, off of drugs, another child on the way with 
a new wife, he decided to accept Christ in his life.
His wife was not ready and remains not ready to change
and so, after his time in prison he was able to get custody
of his sweet 14 month old baby boy.
This child is now 7 and the most beautiful child imagined.
He brags of just how special this child is and how much
this child loves God.
Now Antoine may work for Max Home but his true
calling is preaching to those who need it most.
Speaking to others how he was the leader of the most
highest order of gangs and now his main purpose
is changing people like he was, to Christ.
What a day yesterday was.
An amazing young man who finds a way to share his 
story whenever being asked without being overbearing 
or pushy. Good Luck Antoine on all that you shared,
even those things that were too personal for me to 
share here, you let me see your heart yesterday 
and what a beautiful heart it is! 
Amazing how a whole day can change into something 
so special and beautiful!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

when a baby becomes and Angel instead....



Adam, Ella K., Linsey

( long one, get your coffee)
Two weeks ago, a dear friend of mine lost
her baby in the womb of her body at 22 weeks pregnant.
Our friendship began when her Mother, Wendy
and I taught religion together and she was just a teenager.
She found her husband Adam not long after and
Wendy and I talked, held our breath, held hands,
cried, while these two grew up, grew together,
and finally married. Linsey, set her sights on that guy
and would not let go, she married at 18, followed
him all the way to Vegas where he was stationed in
the Military, Then her and I began our adult friendship.
I was in contact with her and her Mom when she
had her first miscarriage, I was there when Adam,
coming home from the Military to see his dying Mother
for the last time and this woman/child had to tell her love
that his Mother had died before he made it home.
I was there when they came back home when Adam
completed his Military service and when Linsey was
again pregnant. I was there to help with whatever 
they needed in the craft direction for their new baby.
I was there to plan Ella K.'s first birthday party
and there when we celebrated that same year of life.
I may not have been bodily there for each of these
milestones but I was there by
cellphone contact and by heart.
 With all that being said,
it would have only been natural when Linsey found
out baby number two was coming,
when they found out it was another sweet baby girl
and her name was to be Aria Jayde, I was involved.
May was going to be the month that she would enter our lives
In May, although Ella K. already was a sister, would
hold her baby sister and become a full fledged sister.
Then, something happened, we still don't know what,
but Linsey went in for a normal check-up and
no heart beat was there to be found.
The death of a baby child for no explained reason.
Lately it seems so many young Mommy's are finding their
way to a day when they have to bury a baby who is
born already gone to their Maker.
One of my dear besties went through the same thing
almost 20 years ago, and I know this tragedy hit her
hard, like it was happening to her all over again,
another friend, just went through almost the same thing
but was full term and no signs until she got to the hospital
to deliver her sweet Rage.
I imagine it is, for them, like reliving their own hell
once again, each time bringing back their own stories
of loss. Both of these women reached out to me,
both suggested a book that would help,
Bestie told me ,"Get the book "Empty Arms" that
you got me when I lost my little baby boy.
The other Mommy sent me a long, detailed PM and
suggested a book for Ella K.
"WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY, BUT WE HAD AN ANGEL INSTEAD"
and that sentence, right there, never heard before,
became my Mantra for Sweet Aria and all those babies
that the  Big Man takes before Earth becomes their home.
As I asked Linsey if I could blog about their tragedy she, of course,
not only gave me permission but sent me a writing she did herself.
When I read it I was floored! This writing made me cry,
made me proud, and I knew I could not say anything better than she herself 
had written from her broken heart, so with her permission,
I will share this beautiful writing by Linsey:
NOBODY CAN PREPARE YOU.
NOBODY CAN GET READY FOR WHAT'S TO
COME OR GET YOU THROUGH IT.
YOU ARE BUSY PREPARING YOUR HOME 
WHEN YOU HEAR THOSE WORDS 
"I'M SO SORRY. THERE  IS NOT HEARTBEAT".
YOU WATCH YOUR WORLD FALL APART.
YOU ARE NOW PICKING OUT CASKETS INSTEAD
OF PICKING OUT BEDDING. 
AND THE TRUTH IS...
IT JUST SUCKS!!
NOBODY KNOWS THE WORDS YOU NEED 
TO HEAR. IT HITS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU 
HARD. YOU NOW HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO 
YOUR OTHER CHILD THAT HER SIBLING ISN'T
COMING HOME. THAT GOD HAS CALLED HER
HOME. YOU GET ANGRY WITH GOD. 
WHY MY BABY? WHY OUR FAMILY?
THERE IS NEVER GOING TO BE AN ANSWER TO THAT.
ALL I KNOW IS GOD GIVES HIS TOUGHEST BATTLES
TO HIS STRONGEST SOLDIERS.
I KNOW THAT SHE WILL FOREVER LIVE ON IN 
EACH ONE OF US. WE WILL HONOR HER
MEMORIAL DAILY. THIS WAS THE HARDEST THING
TO HAPPEN TO US BUT SHE IS WITH THE BIG MAN
UPSTAIRS.  I'VE ASKED HIM TO HUG HER FOR ME,
TO TELL HER THAT WE LOVE HER,
THAT WE MISS HER, AND THAT WE
WILL SEE HER AGAIN SOMEDAY.
HER GRANDMAW IS LOVING UP ON HER
UP IN HEAVEN AND THAT GIVES
ME JUST A LITTLE COMFORT.
I'VE ALSO LEARNED THAT WE 
"FAMILIES OF ANGELS" ARE NEVER ALONE.
So proud of my Amazing friend for this beautiful writing.
After spending the day with all of those who
have felt this loss the hardest, bringing an Angel box
I made for Sweet Aria, being able to play and love
up on Ella K. and talk with her about her "Sissy is Heaven"
After spending the afternoon helping Linsey put together
a treasure box that will now be a memorial in her
home of her sweet Angel baby,
Although they are still in pain, struggling,
they are smart, tough and that young couple 
who have had to learn of loss so young,
Will become closer than they were before.
I will end this very long blog with another thing
Linsey sent to me,
Part of a song that gives her such comfort:
"...AND ONLY GOD KNOWS WHAT WENT WRONG
AND WHY YOU'D LEAVE THE STAGE IN THE 
MIDDLE OF A SONG"


My Ella K., she calls me Aunt Mumsie and I love that!

(Saturday, Lins, Wendy and others who loved Aria so
much got together and made this beautiful shadowbox)




Sunday, January 22, 2017

One of my New Years Resolutions

Like most, I have very many New Years Resolutions
I made on January1, 2017 that I have already not followed.
 But the one that I am working really hard
on is Church. I have began going back to the Catholic Mass.
In my past, I never missed a Sunday. While raising my 
children, we also rarely missed a Sunday.
I taught religion all during my children's years
of religious ed. But something happened to me after 
my separation and divorce. 
I could not find my comfort there anymore,
that "good feeling" I used to feel when leaving mass.
Was it because I felt like I had not kept the 
promise I made on the day I married?
Was it because I felt angry because He did not 
protect that relationship. I have journaled and
thought lots about this and this is my conclusion.
My God, knows that marriage had to end,
I did not like who I was when I was in it.
I knew inside of me was a woman who deserved
to be HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE
It is the promise the Big Man made to us,
he want us all the have those three things.
Yet, life gets in the way. So on January 1st I was
heading to Baby boy's home when I realized it was 
Sunday and the last  mass for the day was in 10 minutes.
I turned around and entered that beautiful church.
I found peace there again, something I had not 
felt for many years in that area.
I realized it is not just the mass, the sermon,
the singing but the congregation. 
I am a people watcher....
That day, two pews in front of me
was a middle age couple, at first I thought they 
were youngens' because from the back the woman
had long beautiful hair and filled her Levi Jeans well.
but when she turned a bit to look at her hubby or boyfriend,
I saw she was probably in her 40's. 
They were so in love, through the mass, I watched them
often holding hands, putting her head on his shoulder.
Noticed that after communion he looked down at
her with the biggest smile and placed a kiss on her nose.
She wrinkled and smiled so big.
I left mass that day knowing I needed to be there again.
I need to see that love like that exists and lasts,
if two people work at it.
I am happy to say that although it is only a few weeks of
the New Year I have not missed a Sunday and look forward
to returning each weekend. There was a few Sundays.
Like today, it would be easier to just stay in 
but I won't. I will go and dress and enter the doors
of  beautiful St. John, knowing that after,
I will meet a friend at Portabello's for lunch, 
I will leave feeling better than when I entered,
I will learn something there and it may not be from the
mass or the sermon but from the congregation that shares
this hour with me.
Enjoy your Sunday my Peeps!

Friday, January 20, 2017

inauguration day!

My first post of my new blog....
I am not quite set up the way I want it,
I was not ready to start it on this day,
but what a better day to start it on this day,
FRIDAY, JANUARY 20.2017.
Today our first black President and his wife
go out after 8 years, and another history
as a business man, who, as far as I know,
has never held a political position will be sworn in
as our 45th President.
There is excitement in the air as I watch the inauguration
and there is a lot of negativity on social media.
I will once again, remind readers what my Daddy,
a WWII Veteran, who was wounded in that war
yet never spoke negatively of it nor any President,
taught me and my siblings:
Welcome to the White House Donald Trump 
and your family.
What makes us citizens of US of A
respect the one who holds the position no matter how you 
feel, give respect to the one who runs our 
Country, until this happens we will remain 
a Country divided. 
I like social media, it has given
us answers to things at our fingertips, it has
given us ways to keep in touch with those we love
all over the world. We can voice our opinions,
and yet even with all these wonderful things,
it has made the split of our wonderful Country 
so easy, negativity feeds negativity,
just as positivity feeds positivity.
We have a choice, I choose to be positive on the changes
that will take place in the next 4 years,
I pray that Trump will place people in office that
can carry us to a safe, independent financial place,
where all of us who can be proud to say
I AM AN AMERICAN.
Let me add another sentence my Dad and others
I have respected through my life has shared with me
 LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.