THE NONC ROY

My cousin Reggie has been going through 

a whirlwind, along with his brother, Jude and 

Reggie's wife, Vickie.

Since last Friday, when his Dad, My Uncle Roy,

was rushed by ambulance from our local DTB hospital

Lady of the Sea to University hospital in NOLA.

Heart attack caused by a septic infection in his bloodstream 

caused by his gallbladder stones getting stuck in 

the ducts that go to the liver.

The first night Reggie and I spoke he mentioned his

Dad had began to  turn yellow.

For my nursing mind, NOT GOOD.

I shared with him what he maybe could expect

in the next few days from the simplest of 

problems to the hardest, the big C of Pancreas....

I am so very glad, as sick as he is, looks like Cancer

is not the culprit. Reggie and I have always

been very close as kids, being the same age.

Time and families have had us loose touch sometimes

but when we do see each other, or talk it is like

no time has passed, yep one of those friendships.

Being one of two children, with his brother not

living here, lots of the burden of his parents are his.

Since this illness he and I have texted much, spoke

a few but for lengthy times.

Now that I have set up this long blog, I will switch

to my Uncle Irby Roy, married to my dad's baby sis,

(who he took in and raised when their parent died when

she was a teenager/young adult) Jeanette.

The words Odd Couple come to mind when I think of them.

Years ago, I wrote a blog following their 50th wedding anniversary

party. it is amazing that their differences find them together

so may years later.  

I can try and explain Uncle Roy as being a walking Church,

a walking Bible. He preaches to anyone who will listen

and anytime in any place. I say this with love

as he brings us many chuckles when we speak of him

and his love of God.

Then my Aunt Jeanie, a cussing sailor, she loves her God,

prays I am sure as much as Uncle Roy but in a different way.

As a younger child,

It has always been fun and interesting to visit as

Uncle Roy walked around teaching about the Bible and Aunt Jeanie

is cussing.... lol I say this as terms of endearment.

There are so many aspects to my childhood revolving around

this couple. When I was fighting cancer, these two took in 

my two siblings closest to my age as their own.

Having been in the hospital for 8 weeks without coming home,

they helped anyway they could and the siblings went from

their home to the home of my sister, Veronica.

My sister, Rosie, one of the siblings who stayed there lots

associates Uncle Roy with learning how to truly pray,

every night, she had written, he had them kneel by their bedside

in his home, and pray for their sickly little sister who may die.

While that sounds scary, MY Uncle Roy believed that

I could be healed from a cancer that was incurable through

good doctors and many prayers. He was right, here I am so many

years later......

Now that he is the sick one, No one deserves more prayers  

than this praying man. So, as I sit here writing this complicated

blog, I also ask that you pray.                                                                    

I could sit here and try to write this experience my Uncle

is going through, knowing that once his God heals him

he will have stories to tell us of possibly seeing Heaven,

Purgatory, or anything else his sick body has his heart and

brain thinking. Yet, I decided to write this blog after receiving

a text from Reggie yesterday, an update on his Dad after having

the scare of his life the night before when he was called

to the hospital because his Dad had taken a turn for the worst,

honestly they believed he was dying!

Yesterday morning I woke up to the most beautiful update

written by my dear cousin. Nothing I could write 

could be more beautiful.  With his permission I transcribe

his most touching text:

MORNING UPDATE;

MY FATHER WAS BASICALLY DYING IN MY ARMS

AT 5PM YESTERDAY.

HOWEVER, (i guess all his praying throughout all these years

paid off), THEY SOMEHOW MIRACUOUSLY REPLACED

THE THREE PINTS OF BLOOD HE LOST SUDDENLY

(in a flash). YESTERDAY WHILE BEING VERY PALE

AND MOANING LOUDLY IN HIS BED WHILE GASPING

FOR AIR, WITH HIS EYES CLOSED AND HEAD

COCKED BACK UP AT THE CEILING.

HOWEVER,  OVERNIGHT THEY FOUND

SOURCES OF HIS INTERNAL BLEEDING,  

HIS SMALL INTESTINE AND ALSO HIS ESOPHAGUS.

THE GREAT NEWS IS HE'S FIGHTING THREE MAJOR

BATTLES AT HIS AGE OF 85. HE STILL HAS HIS 

INFECTION, EXPERIENCING SOME HEART FAILURE

AND LASTLY, HIS LIVER, PANCREAS AND GALLBLADDER

ARE NOT WORKING UP TO SPEED. HE IS STABILIZED

THIS MORNING IN ICU. IT IS MY GIFT THAT MY

DAD IS ALIVE ANOTHER DAY AFTER WITNESSING

HIS QUICKLY DETERIORATING CONDITION

YESTERDAY. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

YOU HAVE GIVEN MY FATHER ANOTHER DAY

ON THIS EARTH TO THANK THE GOOD LORD AND

ALLOW HIM TO BE ALIVE AND CONTINUE HIS 

TOUGH JOURNEY! THANK YOU....

THANK YOU!!!!

How beautiful is that? 

Prayers must continue as the table is turned and

instead of Uncle Roy praying for so many,

He needs all our prayers, from all those he has prayed for without

ceasing. My Uncle Roy, he can drive you cray cray

with his knowledge of the Bible, prayer but none

of what he is is for show, he truly loves his God

and believes in him. He walks the talk, doing

all he can to help others, one being all he did for 

our family way back in 1968.

As we all fear what will happen to Aunt Jeanie if

Nonc passes as she depends on him for everything.

Her health is not good, and as much as she fusses at him

we all know she loves him dearly and depends on him for 

everything. God has his plans and as I joked with my dear cousin,

Reggie over this hard week,

"If you Dad makes it out of this, think of the stories we will have

to endure of How he saw Heaven, how beautiful it is,

how we all need to pray, etc. he will have stories to tell

when His God heals him, love you"

my Reggie's response?

"Lololol I hate to laugh but darn, u are right!"

Yes my dear cousin, if you can find a reason to laugh a minute,

it's all good medicine.

Continue to pray for my electic uncle 

as he would do the same and does the same for all.

Pray for my cousins, Jude and especially Reggie who

carries most of the weight because he is closer,

he needs the prayers as well, having been sick himself.

Long road ahead but I believe in the power of prayer

and no one deserves that more than this dear,

Nonc Roy.

Blessings and Peace to all.

 Nonc and Taunt 

 Uncle Roy and Aunt Jeanette at their 50th wedding Anniversary

 Uncle Roy in my childhood home (before I was born) 

when courting my Aunt.

( Reggie and I along with his wife, Vickie and their daughter,

Lauren)

                                                                                                                                                                                                   

                               

                                                                                                                                                        

A MILESTONE BETWEEN BABY GRANDGIRL AND MUMSIE

I love and Adore three beautiful girls I call my grand girls.

Three little girls made by my Baby boy and his lovely wife, Kd.

Some say I have favorites, I do not, each of them came to me

at a different time in my life and one day, I will perhaps

write a blog on that, yet this one is about Our sweet Jemma.

Again, with her birth, I am at a different path in my life.

Perhaps I have not spent as much time with her as the other two.

I do remember a time that JoJo struggled with me or anyone

who was not her Mommy or Daddy, but nothing like Sweet Jemma.

The minute she would see me at her home, she would begin

to cry, well more than a cry... More of a rage...

I think she associated me there with her parents leaving.

Coming to my Cottage sometimes was okay, other times,

cried until I felt so badly about her that I had to call for 

back-up. This has bothered me probably more than I let on to.

Having the bond I have with the other two, to have one

not really want me around tore me.

BB thought perhaps, I didn't spend enough time with her,

possibly as being single and being a Mumsie is sometimes

hard to juggle not to mention the little business I have

that keeps me well busy.

Whatever the reason, our relationship was on "eggshell ground".

As an example, let me give you a look in our normal

Mumsie/Sweet Jemma time.

If we are alone and she wakes up, I would have to pick her

up in the dark, bottle in hand, pick her up and turn her

around, put the bottle in her mouth, sit down with her

and she would throw her little palm against my chest

for me to rub her little palm, something I have done with

my children and the other grand girls forever.

A palm plus finger rub is one of the best.

Last night, after having the older grand girls for the night 

before, Kd asked if I could stay with Sweet J while she

brings the other two to night parade.

Yes, let me get in some bonding time.

Right away, she had just woken up, was crying in 

her Mom's arms....

"Oh" I thought.... "this will be rough for her!"

KD calmed her and then handed her to me on the other

recliner and gave me a bottle and a bag of Cheeto's

and they snuck out.... then something changed...

A big change, she didn't cry.

In her defense, this poor child can't seem to catch a break

when it comes to illness and when we sick, who do we 

want but our own parents, shoot I am 53, and when I am sick,

I still want my Daddy!

Last night, she was feeling good and scaring down some 

Chee-to's, the chips emptied and we began to play.

she looked at me, she smiled at me, she LOL'd with me.

I chased her around and she ran away from me laughing,

I took her lead and went with it...

I bathed her, she loves that, we took our time,

I played with her and I saw such a happy little baby

and I was ecstatic. No sooner out the tub, she grabbed

for a Dr. Pepper on the table and brought it down

all over her face and clean shirt and the floor,

she cried a bit, I didn't fuss, instead I began to laugh...

hard... there she was sitting in the middle of

a pool of Soda with some dripping from her long

eyelashes, her blonde curls, and her PJ shirt.

A funny site, should have grabbed the camera....

When she heard me laughing, she stopped crying

and just stared at me, perhaps that was the moment

she realized I really am a fun Mumsie.

I cleaned her up yet again, we put on Frozen for the

third time (I don't know how to work their tv so Frozen it was)

and when the song, LET IT GO

began, I started singing and motioning with my hands,

she stopped watching the TV to stare at me.

Again something happened inside of our Sweet Jemma.

After I finished, instead of going back to what she

was playing she came up to me and climbed in my lap,

put her little arms around my neck,

Love from the Sweet Jemma.

She then let me sit with her on the recliner,

to rock her without any technology or snacks in my hand,

just her and I. I captured part of that on video, put

it on Instagram because it has been such a special moment

for us. I awaken this morning, with my thoughts on her.

I believe our relationship has changed now,

thanks to a night time parade in the town of Plaquemine!

( Posted one day after written)

My Mother, my Momma, their Mommee

Yesterday morning I awaken to my Facebook memory being

this photo of Mom at the Manor and us visiting.

She had just gotten out of the hospital and we knew her days

with us were coming to an end. I wanted this picture badly as

I knew it may be one of the last I would have of her with

my BB, also her "baby boy" and our Jilly.

I see her hand, so thin and small on Jilly's leg and

although dementia had set in to her most beautiful self,

she managed to show her love even more so at those times.

I could say this picture gives me sadness, yet it does not.

It is more melancholy...

This woman left us with so many good things,

so many cliche's that we still use.

Such as, when looking in a mirror, saying,

"Oh, well... you can''t improve perfection."

We lost parts of her when dementia came to her world,

so the Momma we grew up with had gotten mellow

and more like our child, I missed having my Mom

even though she could drive us crazy with her

opinionated self, but anything us kids needed,

if she could, it was her who helped.

I was privileged to have her live with us while

my children were growing up.

Their Dad worked away so much, my babies were

so lucky to have someone home every day when they came home.

If I was at work, she made sure she was home for 3pm, and 

had snacks, salads, whatever they wanted that day.

She was not always easy to live with, I repeat,

but the bond my babies had with their maternal grandmother

was special. She loved all her grandchildren and was so 

proud of each of them, yet I know my two, because

she was with them every day, they were closer

perhaps than some of the others.

As I grow older, and my children can tease me sometimes

even when they don't realize that some of those things 

hurt me. What I wish for the future?

That my two babies treat me, as I age,

the way they treated their Mommee.

They didn't just love her, they adored her

and I will always, always be thankful for all she did

for us all. I want to leave this text with a story

of what kind of Mother she was to me even as an adult.

BB lost our neighbor he was very close to.

It affected us all because the young adult, having

watch him grow, had a really rough life. He took the

time with a little pesky boy who lived across the street,

so he was close to BB. When we first found out about

his death, BB had company and I was surprised that he didn't

seem to be very upset. I knew this was odd as BB is was

very emotional at that time. That night, he wrote the most

beautiful letter to our Nic and asked that I give it to him.

"Baby, Nic died, I can't give him this"

and it hit him, and he cried.... and cried, and cried,

he stayed in my arms in my bedroom while I hugged him 

and he wet my shoulder with all the tears that passed.

I tucked him in once he was over and I went into my

own Mommas room, she was sitting on her recliner,

I knelled down in front of her bawling like a baby,

I put my head in her lap, and she rubbed my hair

and was quiet as I cried. When I could speak,

I said, "Momma, tell me I am handling this right,        

Tell me I am a good Mother... I don't know what to do"

she held my face in her hands and said,

"Lilly, you are a wonderful Mother and you have handled

this situation better than I ever would have,"

This spoke volumes to me. Once again for that half hour,

she was my Mommy, I her baby girl.

I will never forget that special night.

I was a very lucky child!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

        

....THOSE THREE WORDS...

I have met someone, 

someone who I really like a lot.

Not sure where this will go and I am not

ready to see past one day at a time at this point,

so I am going to leave that explanation as that.

When we first started texting and talking,

we talked about lots of things...well I did because

you guys know I have diarrhea of the mouth.

Because we have different tastes in music it was one

of the things we spoke of.

About two weeks ago, I asked if he had ever heard

of the band Snow Patrol and their song CHASING CARS.

I had heard it while driving to play with the Grand Girls

and it reminded me of just how much I love it,

how much it says in just a few verses.

"No, I don't think I have."

I send him the words then challenge him to listen

to the song. I am not sure if he liked it right at first.

"Kind of mellow" he said.

I insisted he listen to the words,

then I sang him a part of it to his voice mail.

"...THESE THREE WORDS,

ARE SAID TOO MUCH,

THEY'RE NOT ENOUGH...."

And I think he becomes a fan of the song.

THESE THREE WORDS becomes our little motto.

We discuss a sign I am making, big and wood,

and I ask his input one what I should put on it.

We decided it would be so cool to put

THESE THREE WORDS

on the sign, it would be known by all exactly what

it meant and it would be a different way of saying 

I LOVE YOU without actually saying them.

I am sold on the idea, it will be the sign.

Then he asks if I want this beautiful screened wall divider.

YES!!!! of course I do, I can do so much of it.

He suggests a trade, the divider for the sign...

and now the sign has become more for me,

personal, we end each letter with that saying.

Honestly I am struggling with making it something

that he will love. Because he has also, fell in love with

the song, and the saying, it means more than just a sign

I am making to hopefully sell.

Valentines Day was approaching, I was hoping he would

ask me out for such a special day.

I make Banana nut bread, and a card and end it with 

these three words,

he does the same.

It was not Valentines Day yet,

we had contemplated, because he was working until 6 and

lives and hour away to just stay in and do take out

and a movie perhaps.

But there is something about Valentines Day 

and wanting to get dressed up nicely and see others

sharing their Valentines Day.

We settle on Portabello's which we both enjoy.

We are sitting there, in the darkened Portabello's

a candle at our table,  music is on low, waitress is also

speaking low, ambiance for my new found date.

Why is all of this long, story so important?

Before two weeks ago,

this man had never heard of SNOW PATROL

much less Chasing Cars.

Because he now has heard it a number of times,

knowing it is one of my favorites,

because I have sung it to him on voicemail,

because I had sang parts of it to him in person.

We began to call it "our song".

Back to Valentine's Day...

We are enjoying our meal, we are enjoying each others

company and there on the radio....

"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me

and just forget the world..."

My reaction had to be priceless as my eyes opened wide,

my mouth open, and I pointed up to the speakers.

His was just as surprised.

We are quiet the whole time, well except

for me singing the whole song right there to him

in a restaurant that is fast becoming one of our faves.

You just can't make this thing up.

The song that came out in 2006, eleven years before

was playing right at the time we are sitting there.

So now we contemplate:

Coincidence, sign?

We don't know but I know this,

nothing could have made this night better except the fact

that this is now definitely OUR SONG 

and the one sentence that had already become ours

...THOSE THREE WORDS...

is now more special than ever....

Don't know where this relationship is going but

I know this, I will never hear this song,

listen to these words without bringing

memories of Valentine's Day 2017

Thank you, Snow Patrol, thank you, RL

13 YEARS LATER.....

Addiction... a nasty word, never associated with anything good

that I have found in my life.

Except of course, if it is added with recovery.

On February 9th my baby boy celebrated 13 years of

sobriety from drugs and alcohol.

If you have loved someone who suffered or have been

someone who has suffered from addiction you 

understand what a hard thing this is to do

and why it should be celebrated.

Our family has learned, personally that it does not

matter how many years of sobriety you may have,

you are always just one drink, one joint, one pill

from going back to the hell addiction is.

Today I want to incorporate my Motherly feelings

with my love of journaling.

I have journaled, well forever.

Without journaling, blogging, I don't know where

I would be. I always go back to a certain journal

entry I made when I thought I was going to 

bury my 18 year old child from this dreaded disease.

I have read it at many motivational speeches

but I have never published it.

Today that changes as it will hopefully help someone

out there, it will show the love a Mother has for her

very sick child, and for me, it shows how far he/ I have

come from that day.

It was written before sobriety, a few weeks before 

baby boy reached out for treatment:

I copy it here with all its imperfections, I would add

the tear stains on the page if I could.....

1/23/04

MY SON IS EXTREMELY ILL FROM DRUG ADDICTION.

WE'VE BEEN THIS ROAD BEFORE, JUST WHEN

MY HEART WANTS TO BELIEVE HE IS DOING

A LITTLE BETTER AND I CAN BREATHE AND

SLEEP AGAIN, I GET THAT PHONE CALL.

HE HAS HAD A BAD WEEKEND ON A DRUG BINGE.

A SEIZURE  ON FRIDAY NIGHT FROM HIS DRUG USE.

OF COURSE I GET THE PHONE CALL ON THE SUNDAY

WHEN HE IS ALMOST SOBER AND VERY REMORSEFUL.

HE HAS NOT YET BEEN IN TROUBLE EXCEPT FOR

HIS PHYSICAL HEALTH. NO WRECKS, NO FIRING

OF HIS JOB, NO LATE PAYMENTS, NO TROUBLE WITH

THE LAW. THEREFORE, I KNOW HE PROBABLY HAS

NOT HIT HIS BOTTOM. MY FEAR IS HIS BOTTOM WILL

BE DEATH AND I AM NOT READY TO ACCEPT THAT.

I TRY SHARING WITH HIM HOW AT A LOSS I AM

TO HELP HIM AND HOW VERY WORRIED I AM.

LOTS OF TIMES THIS IS SHARED WITH TEARS.

SOME TIMES HE GETS VERY DEFENSIVE.

HE HAS BEEN SOBER NOW SINCE SUNDAY, 

GOING BACK TO HIS AA MEETINGS AND

TRYING TO WORK SOME KIND OF PROGRAM

TO SOBRIETY. HE AND HIS DAD HAD AN 

ARGUMENT YESTERDAY WHERE IT ENDED

WITH HANGING UP ON HIM. RONNIE'S HAVING

A ROUGH TIE AND FOR WHATEVER REASON,

HE THINKS HE CAN BULLY HIM INTO TREATMENT.

ROD'S TOO OLD FOR THAT NOW. HE IS 18

AND BECAUSE OF OUR TOUGH LOVE BELIEFS

WE HAVE HAD TO LET HIM BE ON HIS OWN...

...I KNOW RON DOES THIS BECAUSE HE TOO IS 

SUFFERING, SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN HEART

AND DEALING WITH SOME QUILT ABOUT PERHAPS

GENETICALLY HAVING GIVEN THIS DISEASE TO OUR SON,

DEALING WITH NOT KNOWING WHAT HE CAN

DO TO HELP HIM.

I TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS TO RODDIE AND HE 

FUSSES ME SAYING, "DAD, OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD

UNDERSTAND, SINCE HE HAS THE SAME DISEASE."

HE IS ANGRY AND I START TO CRY AND THIS IS

ONLY MAKING HIM MORE IRRITATED,

WHEN FINALLY I ASK HIM,

"WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT MAKES YOU SO ANGRY"

FINALLY HE BREAKS DOWN LIKE MY

LITTLE BOY. WHEN HE WAS SO YOUNG, 

MY SENSITIVE CHILD. I GIVE HIM TIME

AND FINALLY HE CAN CATCH HIS BREATH AND SHARE,

"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE HURT

YOU ALL? I DON'T NEED TO BE REMINDED EVERY DAY 

HOW MUCH I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU AND DAD

AND ESPECIALLY JESI. IT KILLS ME TO KNOW

HOW MUCH YOU ALL ARE ALL HURTING AND I AM

TRYING MY BEST TO WORK THIS OUT

AND Y'ALL REMINDING ME DOESN'T HELP."

I UNDERSTAND, I THINK, WHAT HE IS TRYING

TO SAY: BEGGING HIM TO CHANGE HIS LIFE,

PLEADING WITH HIM TO FIGHT AND LIVE IS

NO BETTER FOR HIM THAN RONNIE'S THREATS.

I TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT WE WISH WE COULD HELP

BUT HE IS STILL CRYING SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T 

MAKE OUT WHAT HE IS SAYING.

FINALLY HE GETS IT OUT,

"DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T DESERVE

PARENTS LIKE YOU ALL???"

OH MY! I ASK FORGIVENESS FOR PUTTING

MORE PRESSURE ON HIM AND REASSURE HIM

THAT HE DOES DESERVE US, THAT I AM HIS

MOTHER, WE ARE HIS FAMILY AND ALTHOUGH

I CAN'T AND WON'T MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM, 

THERE IS NOTHING HE WILL EVER DO THAT WILL

CAUSE ME TO TURN MY BACK ON HIM.

WHAT I HAVE FOR HIM IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE CHANGED

BY ANGER, FEAR, OR ILLNESS.

WE ARE FINALLY ABLE TO HANG UP.

.... AND I CRY, I CRY MY HEART OUT. 

I CRY FOR THE LITTLE BOY WHO WAS SUCH A

MODEL CHILD UNTIL THE DEVIL OF ADDICTION

TOOK HIM FROM ME.

THE THREE YEAR OLD WHO SAID TO ME SO OFTEN,

"I NEED SOME LOVING"

WHICH MEANT HE NEEDED HUGGING AND KISSES.

THE BOY WHO CALLED HIS DAD "DEDA" UNTIL

HE STARTED SCHOOL AND FOUND OUT THAT

JUST WASN'T COOL. THE BOY WHO COULD ALWAYS

MAKE US LAUGH, THE BOY WHO CRIED FOR 

MONTHS, THEN YEARS AFTER HIS FAVORITE

UNCLE DIED AND STILL HAS HIS PICTURE AT HIS

BEDSIDE TODAY. THE TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS

WOULD TAKE TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE

HIS YOUNGER SISTER, COUSINS, EVEN PLAYING WITH THEM.

THE BOY WHO WROTE A LOVE LETTER TO THE

NEIGHBORHOOD YOUNG ADULT AFTER HIS 

DEATH AND CRIED IN MY ARMS FOR

HOURS, FOR THE COMFORT THESE ARMS

COULD PROVIDE HIM THEN.

I WISH I COULD LET GO AND LET GOD. I WISH

I COULD STOP ALL THESE TEARS FROM FLOWING.

I WISH JESI DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE HOW SAD I

AM AND THAT A PART OF ME IS DYING,

THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE TO LOOSE HER BROTHER

AND HER MOTHER ALL AT ONCE.

I WANT TO STOP THIS...

BUT ALL THESE MEMORIES ARE LIKE A MOVIE

CAMERA IN MY MIND AND MY HEART AND THEY

COME BACK TO ME, ROD'S GROWING UP YEARS. 

IT STARTS WHEN I LEAST EXPECT THEM AND

I CAN'T STOP THIS OVERWHELMING SINCE OF LOSS

FOR WHAT HE MAY NEVER BE AGAIN AND THE

FEAR THAT ENVELOPES ME AT TIMES WHEN

I THINK I'LL BE OKAY.

THE NIGHTMARES THAT CROWD MY SLEEP,

THAT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME HE

HASN'T DIED YET, HE IS STILL ALIVE,

VERY ILL BUT ALIVE....

Phew, long and exhausting.

Tears always, each time I read this.

Yet, if one person, from watching my son

and his sobriety over the last 13 years can

be helped, if one Mother, father, loved one

can read this and shake their head in awe,

"Yes, that is exactly how I feel"

then the sharing of this very old journal entry is worth it

all.

Congrats Roddie, Baby boy, on all you have accomplished

through the life of sobriety.

Always, always proud to be your Mommy

"I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER,

I'LL LIKE YOU FOR ALWAYS,

AS LONG AS I'M LIVING 

MY BABY YOU'LL BE!"

 siblings forever, Jesi and Rod

 BB wedding day

 all grown up and sober!

 Engagement pic, katie, the love of his life...

 My three year old, BB, Sealy still exists...

closest siblings back in the day....

                                    

CANCER, IT DOES NOT END WHEN REMISSION BEGINS....

This morning, I was Facebook challenged to post 

a message by my dear friend, David who also is now

a cancer survivor. 

Although it seems kind of low, I decided to post this message. In Support of a very special person to me, who have been struggling and following with firmness, good energy and teaches us to live every day with the best day!!! I'm watching the ones who will have the time to read this post until the end. This is a little test, just to see who reads and who shares without reading! If you have read everything, select "like" so I can put a thank you on your profile! Cancer is very invasive and destructive to your body. After you have finished your treatment, then, your body wants to go to war with yourself trying to reconstruct all the damage caused by radiation. It's a very long process.
Please, in honor of someone who died, or is fighting cancer, or even had cancer, copy and paste.
They all say: "if you need anything, do not hesitate, I'm gonna be there for you"

Reading this has sparked a blog.

I rarely talk about my cancer "stuff" unless its positive or I am asked.

Before I begin I want to say, I am not bitter,

I know the treatments given to me saved my life and others after me.

 (circa 1968 before diagnosis)

( oh and I still have that pink leather dress, hanging in my cottage, just saying)

(circa 1970, hair just growing back)

So many I love have battled or continue to battle the big C.

Just this morning I received a text to pray for a friend

whose cancer has returned.... everywhere you turn it's there.

Why was I spared a deadly Kidney cancer?

Was it because The Big Man knew I would have the

"gift of gab" (diarrhea of the mouth, take your pick)

 and share my story of hope with many?

Was it just not my time? 

Some things will never be answered.

I know that a series of events fell into places that were

nothing short of miracles and here I am, at 52,

still living with one kidney, two beautiful children that I was

told would never happen.

I usually only talk of the good parts of the whole adventure.

Yet the post of my friend, David this am had me feeling the

urge to speak of what the treatments, made to save our lives

do to us... Again, none of us are bitter, us Cancer Warriors,

but the story, good and bad, needs to be told so those coming

after us, those fighting now, can see they are not alone...

I AM A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD,

LOVED AND SPOILED BY TWO OLDER PARENTS

(50 AND 48)

AND 6 SIBLINGS WITH 23 YEARS BETWEEN MYSELF,

THE BABY, AND MY OLDEST SIBLING.

I HAVE A NIECE I ADORE AND A SISTER

TWO YEAR OLDER THAN ME THAT I ALSO ADORE.

THE DIAGNOSIS COMES IN AND ITS NOT GOOD.

REMEMBER IT IS 1968....

THIS POST IS NOT THE HISTORY OF THAT STORY,

NOT THIS TIME, SO I WILL FAST FORWARD

TO I HAVE SURVIVED, HAVING BEEN GIVEN TOO MUCH

RADIATION AND CHEMOTHERAPY BECAUSE MY

TREATMENT WAS NOT TO SAVE MY LIFE, BUT TO 

HELP THOSE COMING AFTER....

YET I SURVIVED.

CHEMOTHERAPY IS POISON...

LITERALLY IT IS, AND IT DOES NOT GO AWAY

WHEN THE CANCER DOES.

IT LEAVES YOU WITH "CHEMO" BRAIN FOR YEARS.

I HAD TROUBLE IN SCHOOL WITH TRYING TO RETAIN

THINGS. THE BEST LEARNING I RECEIVED WAS THAT

OF MY FATHER AND MY SIBLINGS.

THANKFULLY I WAS A PRETTY SMART PATOOTIE.

BACK THEN "CHEMO BRAIN" WAS NOT KNOWN OF.

NOW THAT IT IS, SO MUCH OF MY CHILDHOOD MAKES SENSE

 SENSE.

YET, IT IS THE DREADED RADIATION THAT HAS REEKED 

HAVOC ON MY BODY.

FOR YEARS, GROWING UP I HAD WEIRD UNEXPLAINABLE

ILLNESSES. IN 4TH GRADE I MISSED A WHOLE HALF OF A YEAR

OF SCHOOL BECAUSE I COULD NOT WALK ON ONE KNEE.

THEY TOLD MY PARENTS IT WAS RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS.

IT WAS NOT, IT WAS RADIATION ISSUES.

YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, IN 1968 I WAS WAY TOO SMALL,

30 POUNDS AND THERE WAS NO PROTECTION OF OTHER ORGANS.

THERE WAS NO PINPOINT OF THE RADIATION.

MY BABIES, NOW 31 AND 27, ARE TRUE MIRACLES.

THOSE FEMALE PARTS SHOULD HAVE NEVER WORKED.

IMAGINE THE ELATION WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT.

I WILL NEVER LOOK AT MY TWO CHILDREN AND NOT

SEE THE MIRACLES THAT THEY ARE.

THE TRUE RADIATION PROBLEMS CAME AS AN ADULT.

I AM NOT GOING TO LIST NOR GO INTO DETAIL WITH ALL OF 

THOSE STORIES. YET I WILL SAY, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD VERY 

STRANGE, NEVER SEEN BEFORE PROBLEMS WITH THIS

BODY OF MINE. I CAN TRY TO EXPLAIN BY MY GYNECOLOGIST'S

WORDS:

AFTER 10 YEARS OF COMPLAINING OF THIS WEIRD PAIN

IN MY RIGHT, RADIATED SIDE, HE DECIDED TO DO A LAPROSCOPY.

THAT SURGERY LANDED UP BEING AN EXPLORATORY SURGERY

TRYING TO FIX A MESS HE FOUND HIMSELF LOOKING AT.

IT TOOK HIM ANOTHER SURGEON AND OVER 4 HOURS TO

PUT ME BACK TOGETHER.

WHEN I AWAKENED, HE APOLOGIZED PROFUSELY, SAYING

HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET ME SUFFER FOR 10 YEARS.

WHEN HE WENT IN TO LOOK, HE SAID MY INSIDES LOOKED

LIKE THE REMAINS OF A HOUSE FIRE....

WOW, FINALLY I HAD A REASON FOR FEELING LIKE I DID,

I WAS NOT CRAZY. 

MY ATROPHIED MUSCLES ON THE RIGHT SIDE WITH THE MISSING

KIDNEY ON THAT SIDE, ALONG WITH SCOLIOSIS, ALSO CAUSED

BY RADIATION, BRITTLE BONES TO ONLY THE AREA 

WHERE THE RADIATION WAS GIVEN THE STRONGEST, 

GAVE ME PEACE, I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD I WOULD

ALWAYS STRUGGLE WITH THE AFTER AFFECTS

OF THE DREADED RADIATION.

I HAD TO GIVE UP A CAREER I LOVED AFTER 30 YEARS

BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T DO IT TO THE BEST OF MY

ABILITY ANYMORE.

MY BODY IS MADE UNLIKE MOST AND IT IS NOTICEABLE

AND YET, I MADE A DECISION LONG AGO, THIS IS ME,

I REFUSE TO FEEL LESS BEAUTIFUL THAN OTHERS,

I REFUSE TO LIVE MY LIFE WORRYING ABOUT 

WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, I REFUSE TO 

LET THE BIG C BE THE CONTROLLER OF MY LIFE.

WHERE, YOU MAY ASK, HAVE I GOTTEN THIS SELF CONFIDENCE

I SPEAK OF, I AM STRONGER HAVING GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS...

I WAS 6/7 YEARS OLD, BEING TEASED OFTEN AT SCHOOL

OF BEING BALD, SKINNY, CURLY HEADED,

STAINED TEETH....

MY RIDE HOME ON THE BUS WAS OFTEN 

TORTURE, YET I LAUGHED WITH THEM.

SOMEWHERE INSIDE OF MYSELF I KNEW IF I

LAUGHED INSTEAD OF CRYING THEY WOULD

EVENTUALLY FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TORTURE.

'THEY' WOULD NEVER SEE ME CRY.....

 I WOULD WALK FROM THE BUS DOWN DURSETTE STREET

TO THE FIRST HOME BEHIND RANDOLPH'S RESTAURANT

WHERE MY DAD WAS ALWAYS WAITING FOR ME,

HAPPY TO SEE ME,NOT UNTIL THEN WOULD I ALLOW

MYSELF TO CRY. I WOULD LET

ALL THAT STRESS GO AND MY DAD, BEING A MAN OF

FEW WORDS WOULD TELL HIS LITTLE GIRL THE 

THINGS SHE NEEDED TO HEAR TO MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY.

HE WOULD HOLD ME AND REMIND ME, SOMETIMES DAILY,

"LIL, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF

YOU, WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THIS DOOR,

YOU ARE LOVED AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS"

...and that my dear followers, is why this woman of 52 years

has more confidence than one woman needs!

Pray for those fighting, especially, RB, GL, JA

this blog is dedicated to you and all those others!