the inspirational JEMMA KATE

 MY NEIGHBOR DIED...

The grand girls didn't know him well but

they knew him and they knew he was my friend.

Last night I had the pleasure of having Jemma on a school night.

She had softball practice and her sister had a game.

She had a great practice and as we pulled in to my driveway

I shared that I missed Jeffery's company and music.

As I entered the Cottage I realized she was not right behind me.

I looked out to see her with hands out stretched to Jeffery's house.

She explained, " I was doing Father, Son, Holy Spirit"

which means she was praying for me dear friend.

That is our Jemma Kate...

Yet the story does not finish there,

like her Mumsie, there is always more to a story 

that what you see at first.

We awaken this morning to the most beautiful sunrise.

Jemma asks for my phone so she can take photos

of the beautiful sunrise.

From every angle of the Cottage, my girl took pics 

of the beautiful sunrise.

Then she does the thing that makes her so special to me

She gives credit...

"Mumsie, I think Mr. Jeffery heard my prayer and he sent

that sunrise to tell us he is good, it's beautiful!"

OH YES, my dear, lets go with that...

YOU NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME!

FEARLESS (Lilly's version)

Each year for the past 15 or so, I pick my word for the year. 

The word that will be my focus, something I want to work on.

This year, My word is

FEARLESS

Yes, just like the rest of the World, I am obsessed with not

only the girl we know as Taylor Swift 

but her love life, with Travis Kelce.

Having just started a new relationship at about the same time

as the Swift/Kelce began it has made it more interesting to me.

I go into this year wanting to be fearless.

At 60 years old there should be little I do fear.

I am content and happy, have the best little family,

the best friends, best job as an artist.

Yet I become intimidated by things in my life.

For instance, in my art, I am always becoming intimidated

by something new I want to do.

I have so much commission work doing what I love 

but become fearful when it comes to doing something new

or allowing myself to just be free with my art.

I hesitate wondering if it will be liked by others.

I then tend to stick to what I know people like and will pay for.

This year, I want to change that. I have been inspired to reach

out of my comfort zone and try doing new things.

If I don't like it, it can be just for me.

If I like it and become brave enough to put it out there

for others to see, that would make me fearless.

Another area in my life I have been fearful in the past is dating.

Well, not really dating but the relationship part.

I have often jokingly said,

"I love dating, it's the relationship part I don't like"

and in my 10 years of being single, it has held true.

I have met so many wonderful friends through dating,

some I have lost last year.

However, the long term relationship part always has me afraid.

Afraid to have to change my life, afraid to get hurt,

afraid of putting the work in,

afraid that with age comes sickness....

Lots of fears especially because I am so very content now.

However, I have met someone who I want to date.

I find myself wanting to take it slow but also wanting

to know everything about him.

I want to be fearless with this relationship.

I don't want to overthink or rush anything, just want to enjoy the ride

and know that whatever happens, I will be a better

person for just having known him.

When you are almost 60 and you meet someone who

makes you feel beautiful, showers you with attention 

and appreciates your work, your family, the life you lead,

Well, you can't just let that go.

So this year, I focus on being 

FEARLESS, Lilly's version.

A Christmas Miracle

In my line of work, I am blessed with many 

wonderful events and stories that I am able to hear and bring to clients.

This one is worth sharing in the spirit of Christmas.

Around Thanksgiving my friend, Teri asked if I could paint her

two Cardinals on slate for a friend of hers who had lost two of her three sons

and was having a really hard time.

As usual, I told her I would put it on my list.

However, this order I just could not stop thinking about.

What it would be like for me had I lost both my children in a matter of months.

It stayed with me days and kept me up nights.

Finally I texted Teri and asked a few questions, explained I just had to get it done

as it would not leave my heart.

As she filled me in on this family, these boys Mother,

the sketch came to my mind, two beautiful male cardinals hovering together.

Teri sent photos of the boys and their brother and Momma.

I knew I had made the right decision to get this piece done before Christmas.

We continued to text and I asked if she wanted music or not.

Teri's reply was " Artist choice"

I replied back, " I am sure the boys will lead me".

I then sat on the floor of my studio where I keep thousands 

of music sheets and hymn books.

I picked up the first hymn book and just opened it...

I was in awe, surprised at the hymn that was in my hand!

TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO MOTHER

Yes the boys had led me and I tearfully knew now why 

this piece would not leave me.

Their Momma needed to know they were okay.

 

I finished the piece that same night.

I heard from their Mother via text after she received the gift.

From Cynthia:

"... you do not know what this means to me.

what a beautiful message my sons sent me through you.

I am having a difficult time during the holidays.

When i opened it and read your letter- I cried of course.

Finally a calm came over me and I feel so much better..."

How lucky I am to have found my calling once again

and to be able to bring peace to others in my work.

{Thanks you Teri and Cynthia for allowing me to share this story}

OUR NONC JAY

I have tried to write this at least 4 times

and it never seems to say enough, explain enough.

what our family has lost with saying goodbye to our Nonc Jay.

As was said in his eulogy,

"... whatever you called him,  Calvin, CJ, Dad, Pop, Uncle Jay, Nonc Jay..."

My brother in law was so much to so many.

I was two when he and my sister, Veronica married.

So I have never known a life without our Jay.

When we were young and they would visit us,

Veronica would say, " we bringing my sisters home"

and he never said no. I never remember him ever complaining that

he had all these girls always around him.

He had his own three girls and bunches of little sister in laws.

When I lived with them for a part of my nursing school days,

there were many mornings when I was up early for clinicals.

He would always awaken before me, even when he didn't have to.

The coffee was brewing and he was making breakfast for us.

I would tell him he didn't have to do that but he

always answered, "Nah, I was cooking me some breakfast anyway"

yet I knew he was doing it for me.

Like I have told everyone, he was more of a Dad to us than a BIL.

When my children came to be, he was the best Nonc J.

He has made as many of their sports games as he could,

whether it was biddy basketball or football.

He loved him some football.

I can remember Roddie playing High school ball and 

us all cringing when he started his favorite chants

which got him the cherished name,

"On side kick"

When he and my sister began having grandchildren 

he was able to do all the sports, band events, trips with them.

Adored every minute with them.

Some of the times I will treasure forever were the times I slept there

after my children were grown and gone.

He and I would awaken early and have coffee together.

Talking about this one and that, catching up on life.

Just he and I and so much to talk about.

I think of my sister, his wife, married since they were 18 and 

rarely spent more than a few nights apart.

Her life will be one of adjustment and will be fully

felt when the world goes back to "normal".

Us siblings, her children will be there to see her through it 

but I know things will never be the same for her

never be normal for any of us.

Yet, if you knew our Jay, who was always the one to comfort 

us girls, telling us "It's going to be okay"

you would know that is what he would tell us even now.

It's going to be okay.

When it's our turn to join him where he has gone before us,

he will have made a perfect place for us,

with a big screen TV and nonstop football games to cheer for.

He will not say Welcome home,

but more to the tune of

"One, two, three, kill the referee: Three, two, one kill the other one"

and with his deep hearty laugh will be the sound of

"ON SIDE KICK"

Everyone knows how I value my time with the grandgirls.

As they get older, they seem to have full schedules but when they

can come sleep, they still get excited.

If you follow my blog, you also know how much i work on

giving all three memories with Mumsie to last their lifetime.

Jolee is the quieter one of the three but

the most sensitive, does not get over excited like the other two

and is more apt to entertain herself with a book in the library or

a craft in the studio. She needs less stimulation

and when its time to go to sleep, she does not really want the cuddles

and won't request prayers and songs be sung to her.

Yet, i still do it and she does not resist.

If she is not too tired, she sometimes will even sing along.

Because she is too young for a phone and only has her

iPad when allowed, I rarely get any messages or videos from her.

So I was surprised last week when I received a video text from her.

It was Jolee in the car with her Momma and her sisters.

"Mumsie, the Ed Sheehan song you sings us at night is on the radio"

She then goes on to pan to her Mom... 

"Say hi to Mumsie"

Then goes to each of her sisters saying the same thing.

Then the radio plays the main part of one of the songs I sing to them

and she sings along with the chorus,

"...EVERY NIGHT I'LL KISS YOU AND SAY IN YOUR EAR,

OH WE'RE IN LOVE AREN'T WE,

HANDS IN YOUR HAIR, FINGERS AND THUMBS, BABY

I FEEL SAFE WHEN YOUR HOLDING ME NEAR,

LOVE THE WAY YOU COMFORT MY FEARS

YOU KNOW HEARTS DON'T BREAK AROUND HERE..."

Jolee's love language is definitely words of affirmation.

The video ends there and yes, my eyes were sweating.

It matters, those little things we do....

It matters....

The dermatologist

 I have often spoken about 

"The person I see in the mirror is not the one who lives in my head"

I, like many see the deep lines, wrinkles.

I think of Botox and if it would help the deep  lines on my forehead.

You see I have no problem with aging,

growing old except my forehead lines are sooo deep compared to 

even many my age and older.

So I make the dermatology appointment all the while thinking,

"Am I vain?" "Should I really be throwing this money away?"

"What will we find out about botox 10 years from now that 

we maybe should have known sooner"

Even with all this in my mind, I show up for the appointment.

I explain to the dermatologist all the above.

She takes a good look at my skin, my face, my forehead

and she says, "Let me tell you what I think about this problem"

She goes on to explain that I am right, most of my forehead wrinkles

are deeper than some, more so than some people older than me

but that tells her a lot.

Now I am becoming concerned, am I going to find out I am dying

on the day I decide I need botox?

She continues:

This tells me that you use these muscles for expression more than most.

They are deeper because you smile a lot and 

become animated when you are speaking.

You live a life of many emotions and you are not afraid to show it.

Those lines are representation of the kind of life and love

you show to those around you.

OKay......

She goes on to explain, she will do the Botox but 

I should know that it is temporary and it will change my character

for a few months.

A dermatologist not looking for an extra buck,

who took the time to tell me how she felt about the treatment.

I leave without the Botox, even brushing my bangs off my forehead.

Because I love deep and I live deep why should my aging be any different.

When I am no longer here on Earth,

not many will remember my insecurity I had at almost 60 

about my forehead wrinkles.

Instead, I hope they remember that when I told a story

it was literally

"All over my face".

The rawness of childhood cancer...

TRIGGER WARNING....

RAW THOUGHTS

 I don't talk about the negative part of childhood cancer much.

This year, however I have decided it is time to put it all out there.

I want to first say, I am thankful for all that has been done for me

in order to save my life back in a day that childhood cancer 

was a death sentence.

With that being said, there is lots a 5 year old remembers 

and listening to a podcast of other childhood cancer survivors,

I know that someone out there may need to hear this one day.

Believe it or not, back then I did not talk much.

Mom said when they took out my kidney, they opened my mouth.

Being in a hospital for 12 weeks without coming home

two months after your 5th birthday changes you.

I can remember the fear in my parents and family's eyes.

I didn't want to hurt them, so I kept quiet.

Yet I too was terrified. 

There were no ports back then, so chemotherapy 

went into your veins.

I hate having to explain when having blood drawn or an IV

that they won't be able to get a vein in a certain place

because it is a damaged vein.

Makes me sound like a drug addict...

so then I explain all about the childhood cancer.

I hate having to give that big story.

Then there are the lasting effects of it all.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

What was that in 1968?

I did what many after war did, didn't talk about it.

Yet there were days I laid in my parents bed,

pushing and prodding on my stomach because I was sure

there was another cancerous  tumor lurking around there.

When because of the chemo, I had a yeast infection,

the drama and screaming about needing a suppository 

in an area that your parents told you no one should touch.

Being a teenager and realizing your clothing did not fit

the way your friends clothing did.

Because you had an empty area where your kidney had once been

and scoliosis which made your spine curved.

Standing in front of my parents mirror and realizing

that I may never tuck in a shirt because of this.

Feeling different from others.

I laughed at it all.

Yet, inside myself, I had insecurities that most

children did not have.

There is more....

Again, I am not bitter about having had cancer

as I believe I am who I am because of this history

and I pretty much am happy about who I have become.

However I want to preserve these things here

as one day I will not be here to tell the stories.