13 YEARS LATER.....

Addiction... a nasty word, never associated with anything good

that I have found in my life.

Except of course, if it is added with recovery.

On February 9th my baby boy celebrated 13 years of

sobriety from drugs and alcohol.

If you have loved someone who suffered or have been

someone who has suffered from addiction you 

understand what a hard thing this is to do

and why it should be celebrated.

Our family has learned, personally that it does not

matter how many years of sobriety you may have,

you are always just one drink, one joint, one pill

from going back to the hell addiction is.

Today I want to incorporate my Motherly feelings

with my love of journaling.

I have journaled, well forever.

Without journaling, blogging, I don't know where

I would be. I always go back to a certain journal

entry I made when I thought I was going to 

bury my 18 year old child from this dreaded disease.

I have read it at many motivational speeches

but I have never published it.

Today that changes as it will hopefully help someone

out there, it will show the love a Mother has for her

very sick child, and for me, it shows how far he/ I have

come from that day.

It was written before sobriety, a few weeks before 

baby boy reached out for treatment:

I copy it here with all its imperfections, I would add

the tear stains on the page if I could.....

1/23/04

MY SON IS EXTREMELY ILL FROM DRUG ADDICTION.

WE'VE BEEN THIS ROAD BEFORE, JUST WHEN

MY HEART WANTS TO BELIEVE HE IS DOING

A LITTLE BETTER AND I CAN BREATHE AND

SLEEP AGAIN, I GET THAT PHONE CALL.

HE HAS HAD A BAD WEEKEND ON A DRUG BINGE.

A SEIZURE  ON FRIDAY NIGHT FROM HIS DRUG USE.

OF COURSE I GET THE PHONE CALL ON THE SUNDAY

WHEN HE IS ALMOST SOBER AND VERY REMORSEFUL.

HE HAS NOT YET BEEN IN TROUBLE EXCEPT FOR

HIS PHYSICAL HEALTH. NO WRECKS, NO FIRING

OF HIS JOB, NO LATE PAYMENTS, NO TROUBLE WITH

THE LAW. THEREFORE, I KNOW HE PROBABLY HAS

NOT HIT HIS BOTTOM. MY FEAR IS HIS BOTTOM WILL

BE DEATH AND I AM NOT READY TO ACCEPT THAT.

I TRY SHARING WITH HIM HOW AT A LOSS I AM

TO HELP HIM AND HOW VERY WORRIED I AM.

LOTS OF TIMES THIS IS SHARED WITH TEARS.

SOME TIMES HE GETS VERY DEFENSIVE.

HE HAS BEEN SOBER NOW SINCE SUNDAY, 

GOING BACK TO HIS AA MEETINGS AND

TRYING TO WORK SOME KIND OF PROGRAM

TO SOBRIETY. HE AND HIS DAD HAD AN 

ARGUMENT YESTERDAY WHERE IT ENDED

WITH HANGING UP ON HIM. RONNIE'S HAVING

A ROUGH TIE AND FOR WHATEVER REASON,

HE THINKS HE CAN BULLY HIM INTO TREATMENT.

ROD'S TOO OLD FOR THAT NOW. HE IS 18

AND BECAUSE OF OUR TOUGH LOVE BELIEFS

WE HAVE HAD TO LET HIM BE ON HIS OWN...

...I KNOW RON DOES THIS BECAUSE HE TOO IS 

SUFFERING, SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN HEART

AND DEALING WITH SOME QUILT ABOUT PERHAPS

GENETICALLY HAVING GIVEN THIS DISEASE TO OUR SON,

DEALING WITH NOT KNOWING WHAT HE CAN

DO TO HELP HIM.

I TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS TO RODDIE AND HE 

FUSSES ME SAYING, "DAD, OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD

UNDERSTAND, SINCE HE HAS THE SAME DISEASE."

HE IS ANGRY AND I START TO CRY AND THIS IS

ONLY MAKING HIM MORE IRRITATED,

WHEN FINALLY I ASK HIM,

"WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT MAKES YOU SO ANGRY"

FINALLY HE BREAKS DOWN LIKE MY

LITTLE BOY. WHEN HE WAS SO YOUNG, 

MY SENSITIVE CHILD. I GIVE HIM TIME

AND FINALLY HE CAN CATCH HIS BREATH AND SHARE,

"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE HURT

YOU ALL? I DON'T NEED TO BE REMINDED EVERY DAY 

HOW MUCH I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU AND DAD

AND ESPECIALLY JESI. IT KILLS ME TO KNOW

HOW MUCH YOU ALL ARE ALL HURTING AND I AM

TRYING MY BEST TO WORK THIS OUT

AND Y'ALL REMINDING ME DOESN'T HELP."

I UNDERSTAND, I THINK, WHAT HE IS TRYING

TO SAY: BEGGING HIM TO CHANGE HIS LIFE,

PLEADING WITH HIM TO FIGHT AND LIVE IS

NO BETTER FOR HIM THAN RONNIE'S THREATS.

I TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT WE WISH WE COULD HELP

BUT HE IS STILL CRYING SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T 

MAKE OUT WHAT HE IS SAYING.

FINALLY HE GETS IT OUT,

"DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T DESERVE

PARENTS LIKE YOU ALL???"

OH MY! I ASK FORGIVENESS FOR PUTTING

MORE PRESSURE ON HIM AND REASSURE HIM

THAT HE DOES DESERVE US, THAT I AM HIS

MOTHER, WE ARE HIS FAMILY AND ALTHOUGH

I CAN'T AND WON'T MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM, 

THERE IS NOTHING HE WILL EVER DO THAT WILL

CAUSE ME TO TURN MY BACK ON HIM.

WHAT I HAVE FOR HIM IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE CHANGED

BY ANGER, FEAR, OR ILLNESS.

WE ARE FINALLY ABLE TO HANG UP.

.... AND I CRY, I CRY MY HEART OUT. 

I CRY FOR THE LITTLE BOY WHO WAS SUCH A

MODEL CHILD UNTIL THE DEVIL OF ADDICTION

TOOK HIM FROM ME.

THE THREE YEAR OLD WHO SAID TO ME SO OFTEN,

"I NEED SOME LOVING"

WHICH MEANT HE NEEDED HUGGING AND KISSES.

THE BOY WHO CALLED HIS DAD "DEDA" UNTIL

HE STARTED SCHOOL AND FOUND OUT THAT

JUST WASN'T COOL. THE BOY WHO COULD ALWAYS

MAKE US LAUGH, THE BOY WHO CRIED FOR 

MONTHS, THEN YEARS AFTER HIS FAVORITE

UNCLE DIED AND STILL HAS HIS PICTURE AT HIS

BEDSIDE TODAY. THE TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS

WOULD TAKE TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE

HIS YOUNGER SISTER, COUSINS, EVEN PLAYING WITH THEM.

THE BOY WHO WROTE A LOVE LETTER TO THE

NEIGHBORHOOD YOUNG ADULT AFTER HIS 

DEATH AND CRIED IN MY ARMS FOR

HOURS, FOR THE COMFORT THESE ARMS

COULD PROVIDE HIM THEN.

I WISH I COULD LET GO AND LET GOD. I WISH

I COULD STOP ALL THESE TEARS FROM FLOWING.

I WISH JESI DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE HOW SAD I

AM AND THAT A PART OF ME IS DYING,

THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE TO LOOSE HER BROTHER

AND HER MOTHER ALL AT ONCE.

I WANT TO STOP THIS...

BUT ALL THESE MEMORIES ARE LIKE A MOVIE

CAMERA IN MY MIND AND MY HEART AND THEY

COME BACK TO ME, ROD'S GROWING UP YEARS. 

IT STARTS WHEN I LEAST EXPECT THEM AND

I CAN'T STOP THIS OVERWHELMING SINCE OF LOSS

FOR WHAT HE MAY NEVER BE AGAIN AND THE

FEAR THAT ENVELOPES ME AT TIMES WHEN

I THINK I'LL BE OKAY.

THE NIGHTMARES THAT CROWD MY SLEEP,

THAT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME HE

HASN'T DIED YET, HE IS STILL ALIVE,

VERY ILL BUT ALIVE....

Phew, long and exhausting.

Tears always, each time I read this.

Yet, if one person, from watching my son

and his sobriety over the last 13 years can

be helped, if one Mother, father, loved one

can read this and shake their head in awe,

"Yes, that is exactly how I feel"

then the sharing of this very old journal entry is worth it

all.

Congrats Roddie, Baby boy, on all you have accomplished

through the life of sobriety.

Always, always proud to be your Mommy

"I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER,

I'LL LIKE YOU FOR ALWAYS,

AS LONG AS I'M LIVING 

MY BABY YOU'LL BE!"

 siblings forever, Jesi and Rod

 BB wedding day

 all grown up and sober!

 Engagement pic, katie, the love of his life...

 My three year old, BB, Sealy still exists...

closest siblings back in the day....