Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A MILESTONE BETWEEN BABY GRANDGIRL AND MUMSIE

I love and Adore three beautiful girls I call my grand girls.
Three little girls made by my Baby boy and his lovely wife, Kd.
Some say I have favorites, I do not, each of them came to me
at a different time in my life and one day, I will perhaps
write a blog on that, yet this one is about Our sweet Jemma.
Again, with her birth, I am at a different path in my life.
Perhaps I have not spent as much time with her as the other two.
I do remember a time that JoJo struggled with me or anyone
who was not her Mommy or Daddy, but nothing like Sweet Jemma.
The minute she would see me at her home, she would begin
to cry, well more than a cry... More of a rage...
I think she associated me there with her parents leaving.
Coming to my Cottage sometimes was okay, other times,
cried until I felt so badly about her that I had to call for 
back-up. This has bothered me probably more than I let on to.
Having the bond I have with the other two, to have one
not really want me around tore me.
BB thought perhaps, I didn't spend enough time with her,
possibly as being single and being a Mumsie is sometimes
hard to juggle not to mention the little business I have
that keeps me well busy.
Whatever the reason, our relationship was on "eggshell ground".
As an example, let me give you a look in our normal
Mumsie/Sweet Jemma time.
If we are alone and she wakes up, I would have to pick her
up in the dark, bottle in hand, pick her up and turn her
around, put the bottle in her mouth, sit down with her
and she would throw her little palm against my chest
for me to rub her little palm, something I have done with
my children and the other grand girls forever.
A palm plus finger rub is one of the best.
Last night, after having the older grand girls for the night 
before, Kd asked if I could stay with Sweet J while she
brings the other two to night parade.
Yes, let me get in some bonding time.
Right away, she had just woken up, was crying in 
her Mom's arms....
"Oh" I thought.... "this will be rough for her!"
KD calmed her and then handed her to me on the other
recliner and gave me a bottle and a bag of Cheeto's
and they snuck out.... then something changed...
A big change, she didn't cry.
In her defense, this poor child can't seem to catch a break
when it comes to illness and when we sick, who do we 
want but our own parents, shoot I am 53, and when I am sick,
I still want my Daddy!
Last night, she was feeling good and scaring down some 
Chee-to's, the chips emptied and we began to play.
she looked at me, she smiled at me, she LOL'd with me.
I chased her around and she ran away from me laughing,
I took her lead and went with it...
I bathed her, she loves that, we took our time,
I played with her and I saw such a happy little baby
and I was ecstatic. No sooner out the tub, she grabbed
for a Dr. Pepper on the table and brought it down
all over her face and clean shirt and the floor,
she cried a bit, I didn't fuss, instead I began to laugh...
hard... there she was sitting in the middle of
a pool of Soda with some dripping from her long
eyelashes, her blonde curls, and her PJ shirt.
A funny site, should have grabbed the camera....
When she heard me laughing, she stopped crying
and just stared at me, perhaps that was the moment
she realized I really am a fun Mumsie.
I cleaned her up yet again, we put on Frozen for the
third time (I don't know how to work their tv so Frozen it was)
and when the song, LET IT GO
began, I started singing and motioning with my hands,
she stopped watching the TV to stare at me.
Again something happened inside of our Sweet Jemma.
After I finished, instead of going back to what she
was playing she came up to me and climbed in my lap,
put her little arms around my neck,
Love from the Sweet Jemma.
She then let me sit with her on the recliner,
to rock her without any technology or snacks in my hand,
just her and I. I captured part of that on video, put
it on Instagram because it has been such a special moment
for us. I awaken this morning, with my thoughts on her.
I believe our relationship has changed now,
thanks to a night time parade in the town of Plaquemine!
( Posted one day after written)

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

My Mother, my Momma, their Mommee

Yesterday morning I awaken to my Facebook memory being
this photo of Mom at the Manor and us visiting.
She had just gotten out of the hospital and we knew her days
with us were coming to an end. I wanted this picture badly as
I knew it may be one of the last I would have of her with
my BB, also her "baby boy" and our Jilly.
I see her hand, so thin and small on Jilly's leg and
although dementia had set in to her most beautiful self,
she managed to show her love even more so at those times.
I could say this picture gives me sadness, yet it does not.
It is more melancholy...
This woman left us with so many good things,
so many cliche's that we still use.
Such as, when looking in a mirror, saying,
"Oh, well... you can''t improve perfection."
We lost parts of her when dementia came to her world,
so the Momma we grew up with had gotten mellow
and more like our child, I missed having my Mom
even though she could drive us crazy with her
opinionated self, but anything us kids needed,
if she could, it was her who helped.
I was privileged to have her live with us while
my children were growing up.
Their Dad worked away so much, my babies were
so lucky to have someone home every day when they came home.
If I was at work, she made sure she was home for 3pm, and 
had snacks, salads, whatever they wanted that day.
She was not always easy to live with, I repeat,
but the bond my babies had with their maternal grandmother
was special. She loved all her grandchildren and was so 
proud of each of them, yet I know my two, because
she was with them every day, they were closer
perhaps than some of the others.
As I grow older, and my children can tease me sometimes
even when they don't realize that some of those things 
hurt me. What I wish for the future?
That my two babies treat me, as I age,
the way they treated their Mommee.
They didn't just love her, they adored her
and I will always, always be thankful for all she did
for us all. I want to leave this text with a story
of what kind of Mother she was to me even as an adult.
BB lost our neighbor he was very close to.
It affected us all because the young adult, having
watch him grow, had a really rough life. He took the
time with a little pesky boy who lived across the street,
so he was close to BB. When we first found out about
his death, BB had company and I was surprised that he didn't
seem to be very upset. I knew this was odd as BB is was
very emotional at that time. That night, he wrote the most
beautiful letter to our Nic and asked that I give it to him.
"Baby, Nic died, I can't give him this"
and it hit him, and he cried.... and cried, and cried,
he stayed in my arms in my bedroom while I hugged him 
and he wet my shoulder with all the tears that passed.
I tucked him in once he was over and I went into my
own Mommas room, she was sitting on her recliner,
I knelled down in front of her bawling like a baby,
I put my head in her lap, and she rubbed my hair
and was quiet as I cried. When I could speak,
I said, "Momma, tell me I am handling this right,        
Tell me I am a good Mother... I don't know what to do"
she held my face in her hands and said,
"Lilly, you are a wonderful Mother and you have handled
this situation better than I ever would have,"
This spoke volumes to me. Once again for that half hour,
she was my Mommy, I her baby girl.
I will never forget that special night.
I was a very lucky child!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

        






Thursday, February 16, 2017

....THOSE THREE WORDS...

I have met someone, 
someone who I really like a lot.
Not sure where this will go and I am not
ready to see past one day at a time at this point,
so I am going to leave that explanation as that.
When we first started texting and talking,
we talked about lots of things...well I did because
you guys know I have diarrhea of the mouth.
Because we have different tastes in music it was one
of the things we spoke of.
About two weeks ago, I asked if he had ever heard
of the band Snow Patrol and their song CHASING CARS.
I had heard it while driving to play with the Grand Girls
and it reminded me of just how much I love it,
how much it says in just a few verses.
"No, I don't think I have."
I send him the words then challenge him to listen
to the song. I am not sure if he liked it right at first.
"Kind of mellow" he said.
I insisted he listen to the words,
then I sang him a part of it to his voice mail.
"...THESE THREE WORDS,
ARE SAID TOO MUCH,
THEY'RE NOT ENOUGH...."
And I think he becomes a fan of the song.
THESE THREE WORDS becomes our little motto.
We discuss a sign I am making, big and wood,
and I ask his input one what I should put on it.
We decided it would be so cool to put
THESE THREE WORDS
on the sign, it would be known by all exactly what
it meant and it would be a different way of saying 
I LOVE YOU without actually saying them.
I am sold on the idea, it will be the sign.
Then he asks if I want this beautiful screened wall divider.
YES!!!! of course I do, I can do so much of it.
He suggests a trade, the divider for the sign...
and now the sign has become more for me,
personal, we end each letter with that saying.
Honestly I am struggling with making it something
that he will love. Because he has also, fell in love with
the song, and the saying, it means more than just a sign
I am making to hopefully sell.
Valentines Day was approaching, I was hoping he would
ask me out for such a special day.
I make Banana nut bread, and a card and end it with 
these three words,
he does the same.
It was not Valentines Day yet,
we had contemplated, because he was working until 6 and
lives and hour away to just stay in and do take out
and a movie perhaps.
But there is something about Valentines Day 
and wanting to get dressed up nicely and see others
sharing their Valentines Day.
We settle on Portabello's which we both enjoy.
We are sitting there, in the darkened Portabello's
a candle at our table,  music is on low, waitress is also
speaking low, ambiance for my new found date.
Why is all of this long, story so important?
Before two weeks ago,
this man had never heard of SNOW PATROL
much less Chasing Cars.
Because he now has heard it a number of times,
knowing it is one of my favorites,
because I have sung it to him on voicemail,
because I had sang parts of it to him in person.
We began to call it "our song".
Back to Valentine's Day...
We are enjoying our meal, we are enjoying each others
company and there on the radio....
"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me
and just forget the world..."
My reaction had to be priceless as my eyes opened wide,
my mouth open, and I pointed up to the speakers.
His was just as surprised.
We are quiet the whole time, well except
for me singing the whole song right there to him
in a restaurant that is fast becoming one of our faves.
You just can't make this thing up.
The song that came out in 2006, eleven years before
was playing right at the time we are sitting there.
So now we contemplate:
Coincidence, sign?
We don't know but I know this,
nothing could have made this night better except the fact
that this is now definitely OUR SONG 
and the one sentence that had already become ours
...THOSE THREE WORDS...
is now more special than ever....
Don't know where this relationship is going but
I know this, I will never hear this song,
listen to these words without bringing
memories of Valentine's Day 2017
Thank you, Snow Patrol, thank you, RL

Monday, February 13, 2017

13 YEARS LATER.....

Addiction... a nasty word, never associated with anything good
that I have found in my life.
Except of course, if it is added with recovery.
On February 9th my baby boy celebrated 13 years of
sobriety from drugs and alcohol.
If you have loved someone who suffered or have been
someone who has suffered from addiction you 
understand what a hard thing this is to do
and why it should be celebrated.
Our family has learned, personally that it does not
matter how many years of sobriety you may have,
you are always just one drink, one joint, one pill
from going back to the hell addiction is.
Today I want to incorporate my Motherly feelings
with my love of journaling.
I have journaled, well forever.
Without journaling, blogging, I don't know where
I would be. I always go back to a certain journal
entry I made when I thought I was going to 
bury my 18 year old child from this dreaded disease.
I have read it at many motivational speeches
but I have never published it.
Today that changes as it will hopefully help someone
out there, it will show the love a Mother has for her
very sick child, and for me, it shows how far he/ I have
come from that day.
It was written before sobriety, a few weeks before 
baby boy reached out for treatment:
I copy it here with all its imperfections, I would add
the tear stains on the page if I could.....
1/23/04
MY SON IS EXTREMELY ILL FROM DRUG ADDICTION.
WE'VE BEEN THIS ROAD BEFORE, JUST WHEN
MY HEART WANTS TO BELIEVE HE IS DOING
A LITTLE BETTER AND I CAN BREATHE AND
SLEEP AGAIN, I GET THAT PHONE CALL.
HE HAS HAD A BAD WEEKEND ON A DRUG BINGE.
A SEIZURE  ON FRIDAY NIGHT FROM HIS DRUG USE.
OF COURSE I GET THE PHONE CALL ON THE SUNDAY
WHEN HE IS ALMOST SOBER AND VERY REMORSEFUL.
HE HAS NOT YET BEEN IN TROUBLE EXCEPT FOR
HIS PHYSICAL HEALTH. NO WRECKS, NO FIRING
OF HIS JOB, NO LATE PAYMENTS, NO TROUBLE WITH
THE LAW. THEREFORE, I KNOW HE PROBABLY HAS
NOT HIT HIS BOTTOM. MY FEAR IS HIS BOTTOM WILL
BE DEATH AND I AM NOT READY TO ACCEPT THAT.
I TRY SHARING WITH HIM HOW AT A LOSS I AM
TO HELP HIM AND HOW VERY WORRIED I AM.
LOTS OF TIMES THIS IS SHARED WITH TEARS.
SOME TIMES HE GETS VERY DEFENSIVE.
HE HAS BEEN SOBER NOW SINCE SUNDAY, 
GOING BACK TO HIS AA MEETINGS AND
TRYING TO WORK SOME KIND OF PROGRAM
TO SOBRIETY. HE AND HIS DAD HAD AN 
ARGUMENT YESTERDAY WHERE IT ENDED
WITH HANGING UP ON HIM. RONNIE'S HAVING
A ROUGH TIE AND FOR WHATEVER REASON,
HE THINKS HE CAN BULLY HIM INTO TREATMENT.
ROD'S TOO OLD FOR THAT NOW. HE IS 18
AND BECAUSE OF OUR TOUGH LOVE BELIEFS
WE HAVE HAD TO LET HIM BE ON HIS OWN...
...I KNOW RON DOES THIS BECAUSE HE TOO IS 
SUFFERING, SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN HEART
AND DEALING WITH SOME QUILT ABOUT PERHAPS
GENETICALLY HAVING GIVEN THIS DISEASE TO OUR SON,
DEALING WITH NOT KNOWING WHAT HE CAN
DO TO HELP HIM.
I TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS TO RODDIE AND HE 
FUSSES ME SAYING, "DAD, OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD
UNDERSTAND, SINCE HE HAS THE SAME DISEASE."
HE IS ANGRY AND I START TO CRY AND THIS IS
ONLY MAKING HIM MORE IRRITATED,
WHEN FINALLY I ASK HIM,
"WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT MAKES YOU SO ANGRY"
FINALLY HE BREAKS DOWN LIKE MY
LITTLE BOY. WHEN HE WAS SO YOUNG, 
MY SENSITIVE CHILD. I GIVE HIM TIME
AND FINALLY HE CAN CATCH HIS BREATH AND SHARE,
"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE HURT
YOU ALL? I DON'T NEED TO BE REMINDED EVERY DAY 
HOW MUCH I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU AND DAD
AND ESPECIALLY JESI. IT KILLS ME TO KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU ALL ARE ALL HURTING AND I AM
TRYING MY BEST TO WORK THIS OUT
AND Y'ALL REMINDING ME DOESN'T HELP."
I UNDERSTAND, I THINK, WHAT HE IS TRYING
TO SAY: BEGGING HIM TO CHANGE HIS LIFE,
PLEADING WITH HIM TO FIGHT AND LIVE IS
NO BETTER FOR HIM THAN RONNIE'S THREATS.
I TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT WE WISH WE COULD HELP
BUT HE IS STILL CRYING SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T 
MAKE OUT WHAT HE IS SAYING.
FINALLY HE GETS IT OUT,
"DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T DESERVE
PARENTS LIKE YOU ALL???"
OH MY! I ASK FORGIVENESS FOR PUTTING
MORE PRESSURE ON HIM AND REASSURE HIM
THAT HE DOES DESERVE US, THAT I AM HIS
MOTHER, WE ARE HIS FAMILY AND ALTHOUGH
I CAN'T AND WON'T MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM, 
THERE IS NOTHING HE WILL EVER DO THAT WILL
CAUSE ME TO TURN MY BACK ON HIM.
WHAT I HAVE FOR HIM IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE CHANGED
BY ANGER, FEAR, OR ILLNESS.
WE ARE FINALLY ABLE TO HANG UP.
.... AND I CRY, I CRY MY HEART OUT. 
I CRY FOR THE LITTLE BOY WHO WAS SUCH A
MODEL CHILD UNTIL THE DEVIL OF ADDICTION
TOOK HIM FROM ME.
THE THREE YEAR OLD WHO SAID TO ME SO OFTEN,
"I NEED SOME LOVING"
WHICH MEANT HE NEEDED HUGGING AND KISSES.
THE BOY WHO CALLED HIS DAD "DEDA" UNTIL
HE STARTED SCHOOL AND FOUND OUT THAT
JUST WASN'T COOL. THE BOY WHO COULD ALWAYS
MAKE US LAUGH, THE BOY WHO CRIED FOR 
MONTHS, THEN YEARS AFTER HIS FAVORITE
UNCLE DIED AND STILL HAS HIS PICTURE AT HIS
BEDSIDE TODAY. THE TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS
WOULD TAKE TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE
HIS YOUNGER SISTER, COUSINS, EVEN PLAYING WITH THEM.
THE BOY WHO WROTE A LOVE LETTER TO THE
NEIGHBORHOOD YOUNG ADULT AFTER HIS 
DEATH AND CRIED IN MY ARMS FOR
HOURS, FOR THE COMFORT THESE ARMS
COULD PROVIDE HIM THEN.
I WISH I COULD LET GO AND LET GOD. I WISH
I COULD STOP ALL THESE TEARS FROM FLOWING.
I WISH JESI DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE HOW SAD I
AM AND THAT A PART OF ME IS DYING,
THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE TO LOOSE HER BROTHER
AND HER MOTHER ALL AT ONCE.
I WANT TO STOP THIS...
BUT ALL THESE MEMORIES ARE LIKE A MOVIE
CAMERA IN MY MIND AND MY HEART AND THEY
COME BACK TO ME, ROD'S GROWING UP YEARS. 
IT STARTS WHEN I LEAST EXPECT THEM AND
I CAN'T STOP THIS OVERWHELMING SINCE OF LOSS
FOR WHAT HE MAY NEVER BE AGAIN AND THE
FEAR THAT ENVELOPES ME AT TIMES WHEN
I THINK I'LL BE OKAY.
THE NIGHTMARES THAT CROWD MY SLEEP,
THAT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME HE
HASN'T DIED YET, HE IS STILL ALIVE,
VERY ILL BUT ALIVE....
Phew, long and exhausting.
Tears always, each time I read this.
Yet, if one person, from watching my son
and his sobriety over the last 13 years can
be helped, if one Mother, father, loved one
can read this and shake their head in awe,
"Yes, that is exactly how I feel"
then the sharing of this very old journal entry is worth it
all.
Congrats Roddie, Baby boy, on all you have accomplished
through the life of sobriety.
Always, always proud to be your Mommy
"I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER,
I'LL LIKE YOU FOR ALWAYS,
AS LONG AS I'M LIVING 
MY BABY YOU'LL BE!"
 siblings forever, Jesi and Rod
 BB wedding day
 all grown up and sober!
 Engagement pic, katie, the love of his life...
 My three year old, BB, Sealy still exists...

closest siblings back in the day....
                                    

Thursday, February 9, 2017

CANCER, IT DOES NOT END WHEN REMISSION BEGINS....

This morning, I was Facebook challenged to post 
a message by my dear friend, David who also is now
a cancer survivor. 
Although it seems kind of low, I decided to post this message. In Support of a very special person to me, who have been struggling and following with firmness, good energy and teaches us to live every day with the best day!!! I'm watching the ones who will have the time to read this post until the end. This is a little test, just to see who reads and who shares without reading! If you have read everything, select "like" so I can put a thank you on your profile! Cancer is very invasive and destructive to your body. After you have finished your treatment, then, your body wants to go to war with yourself trying to reconstruct all the damage caused by radiation. It's a very long process.
Please, in honor of someone who died, or is fighting cancer, or even had cancer, copy and paste.
They all say: "if you need anything, do not hesitate, I'm gonna be there for you"
Reading this has sparked a blog.
I rarely talk about my cancer "stuff" unless its positive or I am asked.
Before I begin I want to say, I am not bitter,
I know the treatments given to me saved my life and others after me.
 (circa 1968 before diagnosis)
( oh and I still have that pink leather dress, hanging in my cottage, just saying)
(circa 1970, hair just growing back)

So many I love have battled or continue to battle the big C.
Just this morning I received a text to pray for a friend
whose cancer has returned.... everywhere you turn it's there.
Why was I spared a deadly Kidney cancer?
Was it because The Big Man knew I would have the
"gift of gab" (diarrhea of the mouth, take your pick)
 and share my story of hope with many?
Was it just not my time? 
Some things will never be answered.
I know that a series of events fell into places that were
nothing short of miracles and here I am, at 52,
still living with one kidney, two beautiful children that I was
told would never happen.
I usually only talk of the good parts of the whole adventure.
Yet the post of my friend, David this am had me feeling the
urge to speak of what the treatments, made to save our lives
do to us... Again, none of us are bitter, us Cancer Warriors,
but the story, good and bad, needs to be told so those coming
after us, those fighting now, can see they are not alone...
I AM A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD,
LOVED AND SPOILED BY TWO OLDER PARENTS
(50 AND 48)
AND 6 SIBLINGS WITH 23 YEARS BETWEEN MYSELF,
THE BABY, AND MY OLDEST SIBLING.
I HAVE A NIECE I ADORE AND A SISTER
TWO YEAR OLDER THAN ME THAT I ALSO ADORE.
THE DIAGNOSIS COMES IN AND ITS NOT GOOD.
REMEMBER IT IS 1968....
THIS POST IS NOT THE HISTORY OF THAT STORY,
NOT THIS TIME, SO I WILL FAST FORWARD
TO I HAVE SURVIVED, HAVING BEEN GIVEN TOO MUCH
RADIATION AND CHEMOTHERAPY BECAUSE MY
TREATMENT WAS NOT TO SAVE MY LIFE, BUT TO 
HELP THOSE COMING AFTER....
YET I SURVIVED.
CHEMOTHERAPY IS POISON...
LITERALLY IT IS, AND IT DOES NOT GO AWAY
WHEN THE CANCER DOES.
IT LEAVES YOU WITH "CHEMO" BRAIN FOR YEARS.
I HAD TROUBLE IN SCHOOL WITH TRYING TO RETAIN
THINGS. THE BEST LEARNING I RECEIVED WAS THAT
OF MY FATHER AND MY SIBLINGS.
THANKFULLY I WAS A PRETTY SMART PATOOTIE.
BACK THEN "CHEMO BRAIN" WAS NOT KNOWN OF.
NOW THAT IT IS, SO MUCH OF MY CHILDHOOD MAKES SENSE
 SENSE.
YET, IT IS THE DREADED RADIATION THAT HAS REEKED 
HAVOC ON MY BODY.
FOR YEARS, GROWING UP I HAD WEIRD UNEXPLAINABLE
ILLNESSES. IN 4TH GRADE I MISSED A WHOLE HALF OF A YEAR
OF SCHOOL BECAUSE I COULD NOT WALK ON ONE KNEE.
THEY TOLD MY PARENTS IT WAS RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS.
IT WAS NOT, IT WAS RADIATION ISSUES.
YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, IN 1968 I WAS WAY TOO SMALL,
30 POUNDS AND THERE WAS NO PROTECTION OF OTHER ORGANS.
THERE WAS NO PINPOINT OF THE RADIATION.
MY BABIES, NOW 31 AND 27, ARE TRUE MIRACLES.
THOSE FEMALE PARTS SHOULD HAVE NEVER WORKED.
IMAGINE THE ELATION WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT.
I WILL NEVER LOOK AT MY TWO CHILDREN AND NOT
SEE THE MIRACLES THAT THEY ARE.
THE TRUE RADIATION PROBLEMS CAME AS AN ADULT.
I AM NOT GOING TO LIST NOR GO INTO DETAIL WITH ALL OF 
THOSE STORIES. YET I WILL SAY, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD VERY 
STRANGE, NEVER SEEN BEFORE PROBLEMS WITH THIS
BODY OF MINE. I CAN TRY TO EXPLAIN BY MY GYNECOLOGIST'S
WORDS:
AFTER 10 YEARS OF COMPLAINING OF THIS WEIRD PAIN
IN MY RIGHT, RADIATED SIDE, HE DECIDED TO DO A LAPROSCOPY.
THAT SURGERY LANDED UP BEING AN EXPLORATORY SURGERY
TRYING TO FIX A MESS HE FOUND HIMSELF LOOKING AT.
IT TOOK HIM ANOTHER SURGEON AND OVER 4 HOURS TO
PUT ME BACK TOGETHER.
WHEN I AWAKENED, HE APOLOGIZED PROFUSELY, SAYING
HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET ME SUFFER FOR 10 YEARS.
WHEN HE WENT IN TO LOOK, HE SAID MY INSIDES LOOKED
LIKE THE REMAINS OF A HOUSE FIRE....
WOW, FINALLY I HAD A REASON FOR FEELING LIKE I DID,
I WAS NOT CRAZY. 
MY ATROPHIED MUSCLES ON THE RIGHT SIDE WITH THE MISSING
KIDNEY ON THAT SIDE, ALONG WITH SCOLIOSIS, ALSO CAUSED
BY RADIATION, BRITTLE BONES TO ONLY THE AREA 
WHERE THE RADIATION WAS GIVEN THE STRONGEST, 
GAVE ME PEACE, I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD I WOULD
ALWAYS STRUGGLE WITH THE AFTER AFFECTS
OF THE DREADED RADIATION.
I HAD TO GIVE UP A CAREER I LOVED AFTER 30 YEARS
BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T DO IT TO THE BEST OF MY
ABILITY ANYMORE.
MY BODY IS MADE UNLIKE MOST AND IT IS NOTICEABLE
AND YET, I MADE A DECISION LONG AGO, THIS IS ME,
I REFUSE TO FEEL LESS BEAUTIFUL THAN OTHERS,
I REFUSE TO LIVE MY LIFE WORRYING ABOUT 
WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, I REFUSE TO 
LET THE BIG C BE THE CONTROLLER OF MY LIFE.
WHERE, YOU MAY ASK, HAVE I GOTTEN THIS SELF CONFIDENCE
I SPEAK OF, I AM STRONGER HAVING GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS...
I WAS 6/7 YEARS OLD, BEING TEASED OFTEN AT SCHOOL
OF BEING BALD, SKINNY, CURLY HEADED,
STAINED TEETH....
MY RIDE HOME ON THE BUS WAS OFTEN 
TORTURE, YET I LAUGHED WITH THEM.
SOMEWHERE INSIDE OF MYSELF I KNEW IF I
LAUGHED INSTEAD OF CRYING THEY WOULD
EVENTUALLY FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TORTURE.
'THEY' WOULD NEVER SEE ME CRY.....
 I WOULD WALK FROM THE BUS DOWN DURSETTE STREET
TO THE FIRST HOME BEHIND RANDOLPH'S RESTAURANT
WHERE MY DAD WAS ALWAYS WAITING FOR ME,
HAPPY TO SEE ME,NOT UNTIL THEN WOULD I ALLOW
MYSELF TO CRY. I WOULD LET
ALL THAT STRESS GO AND MY DAD, BEING A MAN OF
FEW WORDS WOULD TELL HIS LITTLE GIRL THE 
THINGS SHE NEEDED TO HEAR TO MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY.
HE WOULD HOLD ME AND REMIND ME, SOMETIMES DAILY,
"LIL, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF
YOU, WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THIS DOOR,
YOU ARE LOVED AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS"
...and that my dear followers, is why this woman of 52 years
has more confidence than one woman needs!
Pray for those fighting, especially, RB, GL, JA
this blog is dedicated to you and all those others!

BABY BOY...

On this day, thirty two years ago, at this time of the morning, I had begun early labor and knew that this day would be my first baby...